I Hate Wallpaper

Ugly Yellow Wallpaper

I am stuck in a pattern that is proving hard to get out of.

Going into my junior year of college I was accidentally signed up for a course entitled Female Gothic Literature.  My experience in that class is a whole blog-post unto itself – bizarre though it was, I thoroughly enjoyed the class.  We read everything from Frankenstein to Jane Eyre, and a whole host of dark short stories from any number of twisted authresses.  One piece in particular stood out to me, The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.  This story is presented as a series of journal entries chronicling a woman’s descent into psychosis.  Her doctor-husband has locked in her in an upper bedroom in a summer home as he tries to help her recover from depression.  Instead of getting better, she is slowly overcome with an unhealthy obsession with the yellow wallpaper in the room that is her prison.

The pattern of the wallpaper draws her in – captivating her in an almost hypnotic way.  She begins to see things in the pattern, believing there are women trapped behind its intriquing pattern.  As psychosis overtakes her, she begins to pace the room, leaning with her shoulder against the wall, believing herself to be trapped by the confining patterns of the yellow wallpaper.

Let’s clear this up – I am not on the verge of psychosis. (save the comments people)

I am, however, understanding that patterns can lull us into an altered stated of mind – and eventually trap us in what we perceive as either security, comfort, or just plain apathy.  It’s that sort of thing that I have been realizing in my life over the past few months.  My life has become a pattern that has wooed me, trapped me, and threatens in some way, to rob life from me.

Everyday I do just about the same thing.  Fortunately pastoral ministry is at times a perfect fit for my ADD personality – but in essence, I do the same things over and over.  I have a pattern for my days at work.  After work, I have a pattern for my life at home.  Day after day, week after week, month after month, yes, even year after year, I do the same thing.  I have become the product of my patterns.  Physically, I am tired, gaining weight and in probably the worst physical shape of my life.  Emotionally, I am guarded.  Relationally, I am often closed and selfish.  Spiritually, I have been apathetic.  My patterns reflect those states – lethargic and distant.

Don’t get me wrong – we need some patterns and rhythms in life.  A pattern at work helps me to be productive and work with at least some level of efficiency.  Patterns at home help our family to function and provide some minor level of “normalcy” and security. Not all patterns are bad.  The danger is that getting stuck in some patterns, especially defensive ones, can rob you of your ability to self-assess and grow as a person.  By growth, I mean on every conceivable level.  Emotionally, relationally, intellectually, spiritually, physically – and any other “ally” ways I am leaving out.  In time, when we do the same things over and over – when we never step back, self-assess, and shake things up – we, in many ways, become like that poor psychotic wife pacing the room – trapped by a pattern that has blurred and/or obstructed our ability to see who we really are.

Breaking that pattern is hard.  I am aware I am stuck in it – but changing it is hard.  When I come home from work, I want to unwind – and it is just sooooo easy to turn on the TV, turn off my mind, and let 50-inches of glowing plasma glory drive the stresses of my day into the shadows.  But that is not who I want to be anymore.

So I am doing my best to break the pattern in small ways.  This blog is one of them – my goal for now is one blog a week.  I am also working out now (I started my first day of the Insanity fitness program and almost threw up 25-minutes in).  To top it off, I am going to start doing artwork again, and promising myself to constantly be in the process of reading something.  I know this may be biting off more than I can chew – but I’ve been told I have a pretty big mouth – AND I am serious about breaking this pattern up.

I refuse to be a product of the pattern I am in – and besides, I HATE wallpaper.